Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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