Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
