Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize