whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
dude. I can hear the air.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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