Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
