I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
