my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
