So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
