i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We have started to decorate penises.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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