When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
