Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
