allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
