Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
