WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize