Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize