u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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