All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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