This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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