I looked at my own cervix.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
