Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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