Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
