I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
