I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize