She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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