I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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