I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
