the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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