I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
