I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
