Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
