she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
