I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize