just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
