About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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