I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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