I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
