Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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