My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
