last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
