I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
