i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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