yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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