They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize