If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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