so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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