I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize