Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
