Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
