i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
