Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
