His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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