Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
