I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
