WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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