So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This is the high leading the old right now
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
