Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
