Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
