Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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