There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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