Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
