there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Rumble strips road head = magical
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Randomize
