Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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