Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
