Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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