I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize