Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
