Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
