my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
